This scene recently brought back memories of what I must have been thinking when my parents dropped me off for swimming lessons at a very young age and my coach – a stranger initially, with outstretched arms urging me to jump off the edge and trying effortlessly (i’m sure) to reassure me that I could trust him to keep me safe. I embraced meeting new people and went to just about anybody as a child, but the concept of trusting someone I didn’t know in a body of water I had never been in brought with it its own set of challenges for this pigeon-toed, knock-kneed-shorter-than-average-tot.  Though I was too young to remember my exact emotion or the processing that ensued in this unfamiliar territory, now in the spectators seat I can imagine being afraid that my lifesavers/my parents were not in sight and a man I did not know may fail me. I can imagine thinking that this big opportunity may swallow me alive and the less dramatic me imagined that I jumped in/somewhat timidly, started learning the needed techniques to if nothing else just float. Then came the technique of free styling. I imagine, that upon realizing that I had pushed off from safety of the edge of the pool–the man/once stranger, but whose arms I had grown to trust was too far out, here I was in what seems like the middle of the ocean (really the pool)..too far out to touch the bottom – which by itself raised all red flags, but in the panic I also took my eyes off the coach cheering me on to swim the last bit of the lap. I began hyperventilating on the idea that I was drowning. Water got in my lungs. Tears and coughing followed and in spite of my mind sounding the alarm of a sinking ship, my body was still keeping itself afloat through the techniques learned in the earlier days. I imagined, that when the rescue team finally made his way to me and took me out of my own state of panic, If I know me well a pout was there and the silent but very powerful verbal breakdown of him failing me was the story being told. You would have to know my coach to know – this didn’t phase him.

I’ve often questioned my parents (in a non-precocious way) on why I was being tossed in a pool before reaching an age where I could decide for myself if this was something I wanted to do. Their response: The older we get, we are more prone to let our fears decide what we will and won’t do. Children on the other hand are usually more open to trying new things and learning new skills. If I found myself wanting to swim as a teenager/young adult, I would be one step ahead of the game as opposed to having to learn when I was older. Exposure they thought, was the game changer. Point. If only I learned it well.

As I watched the children come face to face with this new opportunity in unfamiliar territory, I saw the similarities between their reactions and mine as an adult – when surrounded by the unknown. As Barb Walters in training, I fire all the right questions and in perfect order. Diving in, is a very calculated risk which has to make perfect sense and all the pros and cons weighed. In the event that a chance is taken before careful thought is given and I find myself in the middle of “the pool”, the panic at the thought that I am failing/drowning in a situation I don’t have control over is sure to convince me that its time for my parents to start choosing what will be written on my tomb stone.

Ever so often I find myself having to go back to the drawing board to refresh my thoughts. Luckily for us life is consistently presenting us with moments to fine tune our skills, learn new strokes or reminders to trust that the unknown is not a trap to drown us. Back at the drawing board I grab hold of those thoughts (really fears) and recommit to the decision to push out from the safety zone (a.k.a as the shallow end), keep my eyes only on the length of the pool with an image of my coach infront of me, and not get sidetracked by others who are ahead of me or behind me. The number of laps should increase over time and new strokes learned.  If for whatever reason I decide to start hyperventilating on something–let it be on my attitude, which yes DP, needs to be appropriately let loose in a corner somewhere…and given its own lap pool for a workout.

Note to all swimmers: You will always be able to tell when your focus has shifted–your mind will start telling your body to turn back or stop because you’re going to drown. But that’s the same mind when on solid ground that tells your body to stop before you run your fifth mile. Or tells you to stop because you will fail at a new venture, in a new relationship or at a new hobby. Grab hold of those dangerous thoughts running rampant in your mind and when you can’t, mute them by your decision to keep on going and proving those fears to be the lies that they are. 
From the pigeon-toed-knock-kneed-shorter-than-average-tot…I’m still alive am I not?

At times, nothing can be more peaceful than walking in the rain alone and feeling each drop tickle your skin and a little voice calm your nerves… untangling your thoughts and cares that have been so carefully intertwined in your mind – so much so that not only have they consumed your every thought but you now believe the unknown fears to be so very true. In the pitter patter of peace you made a decision to turn around…turn a new cheek, turn the page over and begin to write a new script. You put a little skip in your step and throw up your arms in surrender, not because you’ve lost the battle but really because the better side of you has won. The part of you keeping score of wrongs has been made right and all of a sudden you have been set free from the weight of what others left behind because you made a choice to no longer be a slave to your mind or your emotions. You start off with a clean slate. On a new page. A new story is written, dated Today.

Who we are and our individual make-up were not botched together in a create-your-own-combo style drive thru. As we are is the package, and I reserve the full right to be myself. What someone else thinks of me is not my business. There will be no changing and tweaking here and there to adjust to the likes of others, nor will apologies come forward or the shrinking of my abilities to make someone else more comfortable. What I do promise though, is that I am constantly on my way to a better version of myself…working the plan that is spoken to me from the Creator of this vessel who has manufacturing rights and a full understanding of all the features, therefore qualifying Him to change and tweak as He sees fit. He created me and numbered the hairs on my head–worked this life from beginning to end. Spoke me into being and has aligned things to fall into place in His time. He didn’t bring me into the world half-done and hoped a select few would “rescue me” from myself with the voice of criticism. Those He planted in my life to speak His direction when needed, like His voice, I recognize theirs.

Providing me with a laundry list of attributes you would like me to change only tells me one thing: you’re not happy with yourself and doing your best to sync my thoughts with that message about my life. Message lost in transmission.

As I head out into the world each day may I always be reminded by the muddy reflection staring back at me, that when I am tempted to stand on a pedestal and announce the faults of others or pick to pieces the personality traits I do not agree with, I have moved myself into the position of being judge – a self appointed promotion sure to work against my growth. 

Anything I say, can and will be held against me. I have the right to speak life into the lives of others, and to pray about the things that I don’t understand. If I have nothing good to say, negativity spoken will be an irrevocable expense.

Not only will I not accept negativity and criticism spoken into my life, I won’t assume the role of judge in anyone else’s life either. 

Living my own life…

Time it’s been said, reveals all matters of the heart. Our struggle with patience and inevitable adversities tests what exactly it is we know for sure and separates the surface thoughts still waiting to be confirmed and accepted into our belief system from the potency of what we believe wholeheartedly to be true. Are you trapped in a vision of a past memory – the way things once were – a moment when you deemed a change in direction a failure and your belief system never recovered? Or are your lips claiming one thing, your fingers echoing those sentiments on paper but your heart, within which lies the truth – pumping out another? Like a magnet, whatever it is you truly believe sends messages out into the universe and like energies connect. At times its oh too sweet to blame others for the things that we attract into our own lives, but blame has its own way of redirecting those pointed fingers by way of our conscience – often speaking more loudly in those quiet moments revealed as our moment of truth.

Someone else can compliment you on your talents…speak to the many gifts you possess…compliment you on your stunning looks and natural beauty, but if you don’t know and believe those things for yourself  those words will quickly fall away in the face of adversity. In that last mile, that last lap before being elevated to the next level are you prepared to cheer your own self on? Do your thoughts echo your destiny, or serve as an added –even more dangerous voice of condemnation…pulling you apart better than any one else possibly can? We often times pray for the “devils in our midst” not realizing that our own inside voice  – whether belting out doubts and disbelief at full range or being squeeky in its delivery, serves as our biggest detriment. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen, and when we truly grab hold of the truth of what was spoken to our hearts on what our individual destinies are, our belief in who we are and whose we are have no choice but to manifest itself in unshakeable known facts. Written on our hearts and drawn upon during those midnight hour experiences when your own beliefs need to be aligned with the direction you speak of. Others will only come along with confirmation or support, but giving the power of validation to someone else begins a very dangerous cycle in our lives. Let’s bring truth to the statement:  ”This is what I know For Sure…”. I won’t test you on your response(s), but life will. 

Spring just sprung and we are in the last lap of Q1 for 2012. What have your thoughts attracted into your life and what does that report show you? Let the months of 2012 not be cyclical in nature due to denial, but rather one of  personal growth and new opportunities from taking  an upfront and honest look at the thoughts of the person staring back at you in the mirror.

Drop the bags carrying your fears – the total sum of the things we’ve packaged as “things we just don’t do nor will ever try” - and with good reason  well so we tell ourselves…no really, it’s just as simple as taking the first step towards something we have long told ourselves we can’t do. It could be simply running a mile before work, or getting back on a bike after an accident. On the other hand it could be something as grand as going skydiving when you’re afraid of heights, keeping your feet on the ground but allowing your heart to take flight as you trust love to take you where it may but you’re afraid of being hurt. So you keep your dreams and all that you could be tucked into the safety zone, and whatever energy you lend to fear it makes one promise – and that is to always multiply a few times over in other areas of your live.

I came to the realization recently that the internal war between a voice vying to be freed and the growth and opportunities that would come forward from new opportunities are being held captive by the power I’ve given to the fear of things that aren’t even real – well, they lack supporting facts to be anything but a thought at the moment.

What if I try…what if at the least I Spring forward in the belief that the only thing stopping me is myself or the belief in the power of an idea that I have no reason to believe even exists, just incorrectly framed on the wrong side of  ”what if”. So a part of the solution I have found is to  start de-programming my mind so that it steers me to think first of what if this completely blows my wildest expectations as opposed to what if it all crumbles.

 While Springing forward this year, i’ll be backtracking to the things I placed on the backburner in fear that they may result in failure. The fact is, the fears from the past are slowly colliding with the present, and living in “shoulda-coulda-woulda’s” is to try and function in a world where I am tormented by something which is nothing more than confirmation of a weak thought. When I align my thoughts with the facts of who I really am, what won’t I do?

Regardless of  the outcome – it has been proven that the risk we take each time we follow our heart seals our self-confidence in the tried and true of what really matters. We followed our hearts. Overcame a fear or two. Proved to ourselves that we are stronger and wiser than we ever thought we were. The ripple effect of moving toward a fear, is to watch the grip of other fears start to fall by the wayside.

Here’s to the ripple.

While on the quest to become my better self, I often meet face to face with the extremes within. During my sunny days when all’s well my smile could not be brighter and my words filled with warmth and love. The scene changes, the muscles tighten and I prepare for battle best by whispering prayers for strength and speaking more faith than fear. Just when I think the external battles have been won and I’ve been proven stronger and better than even I – myself  imagined, just then what I call the internal mirror moments present themselves and I bite the bait…each time a little slower than the time before. 

Years ago I heard a very profound comment which has stayed with me…”when people make us mad they are simply revealing the condition within”. This wisdom was shared with me during a time when disagreements had me so tightly wound I was quick to share what contributions others made to the situation at hand. I would dissect the situation and provide a thorough analysis with evidence of the wrongs and quotes-verbatim might I add. But a desire to become a better communicator and my better self, had me turn the finger inward and I started to spend more time looking at the role I played and the residue of the unclean which lines my heart. Our thoughts and our speech are circulated by a very powerful vessel, and in whichever moment life presents us what comes forth reveals our hearts condition.

Sometimes I fail. I fall back into the trap of the blame game and anger disguised as sarcasm erupts and the false victory of me setting you straight in that moment is enough. But minutes later when the high wears off and the story boards flood my mind slowly and painfully revealing what this says about who I really am, I vow to get off the angry road and stay off  it permanently. 

Then life and love happens…ironically the mix of both is the fuel that brings out who we really are. When we really think about it, its the people who know us best and the ones we love the most who we usually give the power to take us to that next level of emotional unwinding. True enough you may be tempted to shoot a birdie at the person who cut you off on the way to work, or shake your head at the abrupt sales clerk helping you in a store, but those “in full effect angry moments” are usually reserved for those who know us well enough – beneath the layers of the person the world thinks they know. Friendships may end over such feuds if maturity and accountability do not reign your emotions in, and your growth stunted if your finger stays pointed outwards and you refuse to let go of the need to prove you’re right or at the least that someone else is wrong.

Caution: Reflection may cause you to at times run away from those you think bring out the worse in you, but its really the person looking back at you in the mirror that may quicken your pace towards the door…they are really just the vessels allowed to bring your real self forward. This is not about them. Only in those up-close and personal encounters with who we really are, do we have the opportunity to confront what hinders us from being our better selves. The exercise may be painful, but the end result worth it.

Like any other journey towards our better self there is no destination, just different chapters as we master the course.

PS: We’re not meant to be perfect…just better each day.

Not a natural born athlete by any stretch of the imagination, I’ve been on a mission to run a marathon before the end of 2012. The only thing in the way of where I am and this very attainable goal, are the limitations I place on myself.  This season is being written by doing things I once said I would never do or couldn’t. When my alarm sounds during winter at 5:30 am and I choose to get my gym clothes on and head running,  this is only happening because I told myself I am able. I can. And Will. With a goal infront of me and the wind of determination at my back, the journey has not been easy, nor has it been as impossible as once thought. So it continues.

Today I decided to take a look back from the 4 mile point – not to take this time to start patting myself on the back per say, but focusing more on the lessons I have learned from this new runners life and how glimpses of my struggles in this area show themselves in other areas of  my life.

Since we have not met, you wouldn’t know that I need to be somehow entertained to keep on going. Hence when on the treadmill the t.v. needs to be on and the right playlist needs to be playing from my IPOD to keep these feet focused on moving forward. Well, so I have told myself.  I am told to wear breathable clothing when running and I hear half of the direction and bits and pieces from others and turn up in gear that literally almost cuts off my circulation. I’ve been told to keep feeding myself positive messages when working towards my life goal(s)…running – no different. However, my obsession with watching CNN leads me to switch to the news and engage in a collision of emotions between the sadness from the days global events and the endorphins pouring out from the joys of cardio.  If you have turned on the news lately you would agree that feel good stories are close to non-existent, while reports of wars, tragedies and murders are running rampant. This mix adds a strain. A friend of mine suggested that I not focus on the time: use a towel to cover the treadmill and make a decision to not keep looking at my watch when running outside. I break these rules and can hear my brain telling my body – just 10 more minutes to go and then we shut down…almost instantly my body starts listening and the next steps that follow are difficult and I fall short of what I could possibly accomplish. To no surprise when I limit myself my mind and body follow suit and under-deliver…why wouldn’t they, I have already crippled my full potential with my own thinking.

So, moving forward…running or not:

• I will stay tuned into positive messages: training my mind to stay focused on good things and not allow it to casually dip into the pool of negativity from which ever source may be offering it. I am in the fight for my dreams too important to not accomplish.
• I may not cover as much ground in as little time as my impatience lends me to believe I should, but I won’t lose track of the accomplishments along the way either. End each day still on course.
• I bury my self-defined timeline(s) that can take me so far off track by stealing the joy from each milestone and send me into panic mode that I am not “there” yet. Enjoy the journey and everything that each step moving forward brings with it.
•  I waited this long to start running or working out before work only because I told myself and others “oh no, I don’t do that…I won’t like it”. Today, I release the tight grip I have placed on my limitations and set myself free to try new things before declaring what I don’t do and don’t like. Each new road will offer experiences that shape or evoke a part of who I am, and I decide today that I want to enjoy each one. This decision will open new doors because life now knows I am open to receive what it has to offer.
• In the Big Book of instructions which I either don’t read enough of, or read while mentally multi-tasking, carries within it many cures for my nerves. Yet, I take portions of the Written Word and run away with an incomplete understanding. Today, my quiet time returns and the noise muted. I am ready to commit to focus reading and a desire to understand how it relates to the picture being painted in my life.
• Even good messages from a steady enterainment flow…whether an IPOD blaring my favourite tunes or positive messages from Lifeclass, can (and has) served as distractions preventing me from hearing the messages my brain is transmitting. There is at times great power in silence. The ultimate stimulant is not an outside voice belting out great tunes or giving me the news for the day, but can be found silenced by the noise in that inner voice. 
• Just go with the flow. I don’t need to have every inch of each mile carefully mapped out and all the “what if’s” answered..just incase they do occur. In giving up the mental exercises, I will have more energy to invest in giving my best to every mile, to every dream and follow my passion through to the end.

One of the most poignant lessons I have been reminded of during my training sessions is the importance of keeping the right voice whispering in your ear. When at first I talked myself out of hitting even the first mile, the same voice that has encouraged me for every mile and season that has followed, has always said “just keep going…pace of yourself…i’m so proud of you…you got this…just DO you”. This is the same voice that tells me when not running, to be kind(er) to myself. Not to overwhelm my life with only goals - but make sure ME time is on the agenda. This life coach, Gina, is also bold enough to tell me the truth in love. We need that voice of trusted honesty to help keep us on track.
  
So I head out to conquer the miles ahead of me not looking to the left or right and with my own journey in full sight.  If I knew all along that I simply just needed to start…to continue, then this would have began many blue moons ago. But to everything there is a season, isn’t it? So the perfect time for whatever I am embarking on today, is now. The marathon continues…